Full

It's a crazy feeling. That feeling of being full. The feeling you get when there is an absorbent amount of energy, an insuperable number of emotions, like ancient warring armies seconds before they clash. The feeling that can usher in a state of content. A state of satisfaction. Feeling full can be a product of feeling fulfilled in one context or another. That being said, feeling full can also lead to an alternative experience such as gluttony and overindulgence. Fullness, as a concept, walks a thin line between being just the right amount and being too much. The possibilities of such a state can seem both rational and irrational. It can lead a man from wanting less but needing more; to wanting more but needing less. In turn, the state of being full can bear fruit that man has yet to grasp. From the cup running over to the overbearing walls of a dam, diligently keeping the sea at bay. Sometimes this sense of fullness can trick one into believing that their current state is the ultimate pinnacle of their existence meanwhile a sense of fullness can be another soul’s ‘impending doom.' Either way, feeling full can lead to two extremes.

Serenity and calamity.

The walls in which we have consciously and subconsciously built are meant to shield us from the extremes of fullness. From the far-reaching experiences of both pleasure and pain. If one is not careful these walls too can be no more. These walls too can let go. The levies can break and forcefully introduce the contents of one’s inner dam to the elements. That being said though the torrential outpour may masquerade as apocalyptic, in reality, it very well may be the defining factor in one’s breakthrough or regression.

But how does one determine the weight of their options? How does one decide the validity of the dueling experiences? What if you are so close to the said tipping point that you feel full. You feel as though something is going to change. You feel the tugging at your heel. The pulling in your heart. You hear the once faint far-away cries become the voice in your inner ear. You can feel the drums as they beat to the rhythm of your soul and the coursing river as it flows through your veins. What if your thoughts and emotions have formed and have taken an ever-changing fluid state; constantly bashing itself against the wall but failing to seep through the cracks. Wanting to be set free but not embodying the capability to do so. For just one moment you want to fully become that which you have been wanting, been craving, and have been needing. What if, for so long you have convinced yourself that you have already reached a state of fullness and that your being is enough. You may feel trapped in this world of ‘will I, won’t I?’ ‘Should I, Shouldn’t I?’ Trapped in this continual cycle of mundane lateral self-propagation and doubt. Stuck within the confines finding comfort in the familiarity of your current chaotic state all the while craving a graduated sense of self and purpose. What if for so long you have also wrestled with the plausible possibility that you reluctantly feel content and indeed have an intense yearning for more. A yearning for something greater. Not greater in terms of the material realm but greater in matters of conscious and unconscious substance. The ingredients that power the heart, fuels the soul, and frees the troubled mind.

In your own time, you may recognize that in order for you to reach the next part of your journey your vehicle must be inspected, your destination malleable, and that your path must be self forged. Upon this realisation, you ask ‘what do I do with this information?' What do I do with my anxieties and fear? How do I allow myself to be free from of confines of my self-imposed expectations, obligations and regulations? You want the answers to the questions concerning the vagueness of vulnerability. You feel as though you need answers before you start your new journey. You need directions. You need guidance. You initiate your search for the answer but before you can even receive the first word something is afoot. The dam, though full and fortified begins to quietly rumble. The ground begins to tremble. The drums become deafening and your heart is in free fall. Your hairs stand on end as the pulling becomes a yank and the tugging becomes a forceful push. All sounds and emotions have reached their summit. And once again you feel the overwhelming fullness. You reach to take hold of something and your outstretched arms can grasp nothing but the rushing current of the ever-ensuing rapids. And then just as quickly as it all began, the world stops. And a small but devastating drop trickles through the cracks. The drop begins its journey from the heart of the wall and ever so slowly, ever so slightly it crawls down and down until it reaches the dry ground below.

Though seemingly minute, a drastic change has already begun.

If you are emptied what would be your contents? What are you full of?

Changes and Transformation

Tis the season of transition and transformation. There are massive changes happening in every facet and in every corner. Some bring excitement and hope. Others bring new challenges and obstacles. Some are welcomed, some are anxiety inducing and some are bittersweet. I can identify with all of these feelings at once.

As I am approaching my 30th year on this earth, I Iook back at how my time and experience on this funny little island has made an impact on my life. Mid 2012, I got orders informing me of my future move to the UK. Barely 21, with only 2.5 years in the US Air Force, I had no idea how much this move would influence and change my life. Its certainly been an absolute roller coaster of ups and downs. Rather than simply living, I made it my mission to thrive and to get the most out of being here. Form January 2013 to March 2021, it’s crazy to think but I actually spent most of my 20s here. Essentially, I became a man here.

Though I often broadcast my opinions on the topics of today I don’t often speak about my vulnerability and how I feel. Trying to incorporate exactly how I am feeling into words is extremely difficult. The plethora of emotions flowing through me right now range from being incredibly excited and motivated for the future to equally just as anxious and heartbroken. It’s the feeling of optimistically looking over at the horizon and seeing the possibilities and opportunities while simultaneously feeling as if you are being evicted from the house you helped to build. These feelings further exemplify the relationship between growth and pain. While change can be the opening door to progress, it can also be the catalyst for grief as another one closes.

Its has taken me quite a while to find peace with the fact that I will soon leave the UK. I had only moved to London in the early winter of 2019. Just prior to the New Year I had no intention or real plans of moving. As far as I was aware, my situation seemed as if it would work out the way I had hoped, but alas, like for many, it didn’t. I had to face reality. I struggled with that. There had always been a strong possibility that this would inevitably happen. I’m one of those people who always have a Plan A, B, C, C alternate and a plan B+CD(A-D), however, I would still compartmentalise and put that knowledge in a box labelled ‘do not open until..’ Of course, the ‘until’ happened sooner than I realised.

I say this because whether it is abrupt or planned, change can be destabilising, debilitating, traumatic and painful for anyone. It’s something that one needs to take time with. It may take seconds or many years to settle into, to move past, to accept or to find peace. Even though change is something we experience and deal with every day, it is still one of the most difficult things about being human. Change is often a slow gruelling process. In the past I would push on as if situations didn’t have any effect on me; only to learn a lesson down the line that it really did. What I have had to do is allow myself space and time to feel. I’ve had to learn to respect my inner workings, my emotions, my thoughts, my heart and my spirit as well as reality.

We tend to find our truest self amidst the chaos. We learn more about ourselves, where we truly stand, who we truly are and how we truly feel in times of uncertainty. Its cliche and not helpful to simply say ‘meet it head-on’ or ‘don’t take no for an answer.’ Instead, I’ve learned that often it is healthy and necessary to simply observe, to sit and just be for a while. Sometimes ‘not doing’ is exactly what we should be doing. We can become so consumed by the constant ‘doing’ that we become hostile to the act of ‘being.’ In doing so our hostility can become detrimental to our existence as Human Beings.

For me, posting this is an act of self-care but it is also a message of solidarity, love and support for those who find themselves struggling and are in a state of change, of transition or transformation. We (I), often go through struggles and trick ourselves into thinking that it is a solo journey. It’s not. Though change comes in many forms and can affect us all in many different ways, one thing is for certain, at some point, we must all go through it. It’s true that I don’t know exactly how you feel as I’m not you, not in your shoes nor in your situation, however, what I can identify with is the feeling that often comes with major life changes: excitement, fear, denial, grief, confusion and anger. I don’t believe in comparing experiences as it’s not helpful or essential for empathy but what I do believe in is the act of simply ‘being there.’ While we are on our individual parts of this shared journey experience:

Know that it’s ok to feel and to let others know how you feel.

Be Kind to Yourself and allow yourself to ‘be.’

And like a great friend once told me ‘Remember, Every Conscious Step Counts.’

Join Jordan Oliver Cameron and I on the 'Digging Deep' podcast

I recently had the amazing opportunity to speak with Mr Jordan Oliver Cameron on his enlightening podcast, 'Digging Deep.' It was a wonderful experience. Check it out!

Search 'Digging Deep' on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Anchor or wherever you get your podcasts.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/digging-deep-with-mattison-williams/id1517319828?i=1000487534716