Changes and Transformation

Tis the season of transition and transformation. There are massive changes happening in every facet and in every corner. Some bring excitement and hope. Others bring new challenges and obstacles. Some are welcomed, some are anxiety inducing and some are bittersweet. I can identify with all of these feelings at once.

As I am approaching my 30th year on this earth, I Iook back at how my time and experience on this funny little island has made an impact on my life. Mid 2012, I got orders informing me of my future move to the UK. Barely 21, with only 2.5 years in the US Air Force, I had no idea how much this move would influence and change my life. Its certainly been an absolute roller coaster of ups and downs. Rather than simply living, I made it my mission to thrive and to get the most out of being here. Form January 2013 to March 2021, it’s crazy to think but I actually spent most of my 20s here. Essentially, I became a man here.

Though I often broadcast my opinions on the topics of today I don’t often speak about my vulnerability and how I feel. Trying to incorporate exactly how I am feeling into words is extremely difficult. The plethora of emotions flowing through me right now range from being incredibly excited and motivated for the future to equally just as anxious and heartbroken. It’s the feeling of optimistically looking over at the horizon and seeing the possibilities and opportunities while simultaneously feeling as if you are being evicted from the house you helped to build. These feelings further exemplify the relationship between growth and pain. While change can be the opening door to progress, it can also be the catalyst for grief as another one closes.

Its has taken me quite a while to find peace with the fact that I will soon leave the UK. I had only moved to London in the early winter of 2019. Just prior to the New Year I had no intention or real plans of moving. As far as I was aware, my situation seemed as if it would work out the way I had hoped, but alas, like for many, it didn’t. I had to face reality. I struggled with that. There had always been a strong possibility that this would inevitably happen. I’m one of those people who always have a Plan A, B, C, C alternate and a plan B+CD(A-D), however, I would still compartmentalise and put that knowledge in a box labelled ‘do not open until..’ Of course, the ‘until’ happened sooner than I realised.

I say this because whether it is abrupt or planned, change can be destabilising, debilitating, traumatic and painful for anyone. It’s something that one needs to take time with. It may take seconds or many years to settle into, to move past, to accept or to find peace. Even though change is something we experience and deal with every day, it is still one of the most difficult things about being human. Change is often a slow gruelling process. In the past I would push on as if situations didn’t have any effect on me; only to learn a lesson down the line that it really did. What I have had to do is allow myself space and time to feel. I’ve had to learn to respect my inner workings, my emotions, my thoughts, my heart and my spirit as well as reality.

We tend to find our truest self amidst the chaos. We learn more about ourselves, where we truly stand, who we truly are and how we truly feel in times of uncertainty. Its cliche and not helpful to simply say ‘meet it head-on’ or ‘don’t take no for an answer.’ Instead, I’ve learned that often it is healthy and necessary to simply observe, to sit and just be for a while. Sometimes ‘not doing’ is exactly what we should be doing. We can become so consumed by the constant ‘doing’ that we become hostile to the act of ‘being.’ In doing so our hostility can become detrimental to our existence as Human Beings.

For me, posting this is an act of self-care but it is also a message of solidarity, love and support for those who find themselves struggling and are in a state of change, of transition or transformation. We (I), often go through struggles and trick ourselves into thinking that it is a solo journey. It’s not. Though change comes in many forms and can affect us all in many different ways, one thing is for certain, at some point, we must all go through it. It’s true that I don’t know exactly how you feel as I’m not you, not in your shoes nor in your situation, however, what I can identify with is the feeling that often comes with major life changes: excitement, fear, denial, grief, confusion and anger. I don’t believe in comparing experiences as it’s not helpful or essential for empathy but what I do believe in is the act of simply ‘being there.’ While we are on our individual parts of this shared journey experience:

Know that it’s ok to feel and to let others know how you feel.

Be Kind to Yourself and allow yourself to ‘be.’

And like a great friend once told me ‘Remember, Every Conscious Step Counts.’